July 2019 Newsletter

Thank you to all of our faithful supporters & encouragers through the years. We appreciate you so much & are excited to discover what direction Mountain Haven will be heading as we seek answers, rest, & direction this next year. We will be taking another year of 2019-2020 to reset and reorient our future after the last year of this health battle. Thank you for standing with us.

MINISTRY AT A GLANCE

Financials: Monthly Revenue Required: $2000.00 and Monthly Revenue Received: $750.00      Remaining Need: $1250.00

Something Interesting or Unexpected that Happened: 1.) We have had an amazing time connecting with Brandon Emily at random times over the summer and being able to do more of life with them. It’s really a treasure to spend more time with two incredible people that we feel lucky to have in our family. 2.) Lilly had her summer production of “The Oddest Sea”, where she blew us out of the water with her incredible performance as Penelope, on stage singing and acting. 3.) Kaisha has her play performance coming up in August for “Much Ado About Nothing “ at the Nor Shore Theater and she is very involved in the set design as well as playing her part in the play. She also is very involved with her band and they are performing lots of gigs coming up, with her featured in some of the solo parts. 4.) Kevin is being treated by a wound specialist doctor for a Post-operative wound, and we are unsure what the future holds as far as further wound care and potential surgical interventions, but he is doing exceptionally well with adjusting to his ileostomy and his new lifestyle changes since all of his surgeries. It has been a very long year. He is a very tough human and has the strength of a lion.

Top Prayer Requests: Pray that we let the cracks be portholes to deeper love.

Mountain Haven Newsletter July, 2019

Looking Through The Cracks To Find Love 

 

“ Maybe I’ve done enough

Finally catching up

For The first time I see an image of my brokenness

Utterly worthy of love”

Sleeping at Last ; Atlas-Three

 

Sometimes it feels like we are all on a journey to rediscover something that we have lost. It’s not a conscious seeking but more like an eternal longing for something just out of our reach. I wonder if that creates some of our unhappiness or fear? I think it does. I think it is what causes us to fall in love with people’s potentiality instead of loving people wholly. I am guilty of this everyday. I see an image of what I know is possible in the world- in my love, in my children, in my friends- I am after all a very deep romantic and wishful thinker… When we fall in love with potential in our partners, children, or friends – we fall in love with imagery or imagination or self made constructs. We may think we are falling in love with possibility but I believe it is love with limits, the mere idea of love; and that kind of love cracks under pressure and can’t make space for pain, doubt, suffering and conflict. When we can’t make space for the pain and suffering of this world, and of those we love – until we make sense of the suffering, or until we give the suffering meaning, we will be paralyzed to act.

Think about it! When we see a person suffering; whether of their own hand, circumstances, biology, or something more mystical, we feel compelled to overlay it with our love. This love may be words, money, platitudes, silence, or scriptures. We see the bright shiny outcome, the better path, the more ideal outcome and we ignore the shadow of the person. Shadowlands are very dark and mysterious and I do not like them. I like Kevin to see things the way I see them, I don’t like to be surprised by his selfishness and I don’t like to be unnoticed for my selflessness. This is the way MY definition of love demands to unfold. This is the nuanced depths of love lived without truly allowing us to encounter ourselves. What I mean by this is when we love, I believe we want those we love to experience us a certain way- selfless, thoughtful, present, generous, spiritual and when that loved one suddenly tips the scales and tells us that they experience us as controlling, critical, or we demand more of them-we bite back and want to defend. We do not want to ask ourselves, “why?”.

But why can’t we ask ourselves why? There must be space for ontological questions when it comes to our motivations and our ability to love. We spend so much energy trying to avoid confronting the truth about ourselves. But if a loved one continues to tell us something they notice from us or need from us; there are some possible truths about this scenario.

1.) It could be true

2.) It could be false, and it is their wound or misperception or inability to see us clearly or

3.) It is a combination of both.

Let’s examine this for a moment. If we shall know the truth and the truth shall set us free then we need to ask ourselves where does this truth come from? I believe one way to see where truth comes from is to look at what we do, or look at what is a result of what we do. Are we incessantly late? Are we self reliant? Are we sharp or harsh? Are we lazy? Are we a procrastinator? Are we controlling? Do we bicker? Are we on our phones constantly? Are we full of fear of stepping out of our comfort zone? Do we avoid confrontation at a cost to communication? Do we enable? Do we shut down? Do we call names? Do we allow ourselves to be manipulated? Do we manipulate others? Do we work too much? Do we not work hard enough? Do we allow our loved ones to do what we could so easily do because we feel entitled? Do we do things that we should ask others to do? Do we complain? Do we fear? Do we parent out of fear? Do we withhold sex and intimacy? I think you get my point. The symptom or the behavior speaks for itself.

There is no way around it. Our motivations, our fears, our lusts, our brokenness will find a way to speak for us even if we didn’t think we knew how to communicate. The reek of our reality bleeding over into our lives and affecting all of those around us. Believe me I listen to my kids – I wish I could say I listen to Kevin as intently (but I am learning to) – when they notice something about me. I listen and I seek out the shadowland and I see what that dark place may be telling me about my need, my want, or my pain. More importantly I ask what is stopping me from changing? If the symptom or behavior keeps manifesting itself why can’t I get it to stop?

Like my incessant and undeniable need to be safe. I want to be safe emotionally, I want the ability to be seen and known for my dark and my light; and feel completely and utterly accepted and understood. When this need comes out in a complaining harsh way to Kevin, or a self pitying ,self alienating manner, then others surely do not want to comfort me.I am hostile, self reliant, withdrawn, and melancholy. But when I am willing to confront the truth about my broken sense of self still crying out for safety that I never felt as a child, I stop blaming him and others  and wanting it all to be fixed. The lovely truth is I am both parts darkness and light. I lacked safety as a child. I have childhood pain and trauma that reveals itself more often than I would like, but I also have a safe and loving husband right in front of me, and I have strength and resilience within my own soul and spirit. I have a creator who is not judging my heart. I have deconstructed my pain and it’s no longer a gaping hole requiring emergency surgery; it is a crack. A crack I can fill with walks, chocolate, reading a book, praying, meditating, crying, talking to a friend, or doing nothing.

Like any crack in an object that broke years ago, when you fill it with super glue, you can still use the object, you may see the crack in a certain light even, but the beauty and utility of the object is still just as intact as it ever was. The difference is when you use it now, you hold the memory of how it broke, when it broke, and you tend to it more carefully, more tenderly, more intently. This to me, is the nature of the love I want to live in. A love that pays attention to cracks, shadows, and the stories of those I love; and then loves in a way that matters to them. The story informs the actions in this kind of love. When the brokenness is revealed to the other one you love, it will call forth changes in the dynamic of the relationship. It must, because these cracks are a kind of transcendent look into the possibilities of love. A mosaic of broken pieces touching together and creating a masterpiece of beauty. A masterpiece that we must handle with care. Ask yourself today, when it comes to those you love, how can you really show up for them and love them in a way that helps them know their cracks and fissures are beautiful and worthy of love? Don’t just show up in your comfort level.

Comments are closed.